86+ Nerdy Chuck Norris One-Liners

Sunday, September 25, 2011 @ 11:58 pm

Compiled from http://www.codesqueeze.com/the-ultimate-top-25-chuck-norris-the-programmer-jokes/ with some original ones of my own.

  1. “It works on my machine” always holds true for Chuck Norris.
  2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
  3. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
  4. All projects become Agile when Chuck Norris is looking.
  5. All Starbucks baristas know Java in fear that one day Chuck Norris will walk in and demand it.
  6. All statements in a Chuck Norris script evaluate to true.
  7. Chuck’s PC doesn’t need an anti-virus program. His PC is always virus free because viruses would be afraid to enter his PC.
  8. Chuck Norris’ Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.
  9. Chuck Norris’ keyboard has 2 keys: 0 and 1.
  10. Chuck Norris’ keyboard has the Any key.
  11. Chuck Norris’ keyboard is missing the F1 key; he never needs help.
  12. Chuck Norris’ beard can type 140 WPM.
  13. Chuck Norris’ first program was kill -9.
  14. Chuck Norris’ keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
  15. Chuck Norris’ OSI network model has only one layer: Physical.
  16. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
  17. Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.
  18. Chuck Norris can access private methods.
  19. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.
  20. Chuck Norris can divide by 0.
  21. Chuck Norris can escape infinite loops.
  22. Chuck Norris can install 64-bit OS on 32-bit machines.
  23. Chuck Norris can install iTunes without installing Quicktime.
  24. Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.
  25. Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.
  26. Chuck Norris can perform a DoS attack by looking at a system.
  27. Chuck Norris can post working URLs when commenting on a Youtube video.
  28. Chuck Norris can read all encrypted data, because nothing can hide from Chuck Norris.
  29. Chuck Norris can retrieve anything from /dev/null.
  30. Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
  31. Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.
  32. Chuck Norris can tag himself in Youtube.
  33. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
  34. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
  35. Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.
  36. Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round-house kick to the hard drive.
  37. Chuck Norris computed all primes in his sleep.
  38. Chuck Norris considers Sprints futile. He’ll catch you anyway!
  39. Chuck Norris created the “hard disk”.
  40. Chuck Norris does not declare variables; he owns them.
  41. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in floating point numbers because they can’t be typed on his binary keyboard.
  42. Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
  43. Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts; he does Smack Down charts.
  44. Chuck Norris doesn’t get compiler errors, the language corrects itself.
  45. Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
  46. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.
  47. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a Sprint to hit his targets.
  48. Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
  49. Chuck Norris doesn’t need Google. Google needs Chuck Norris.
  50. Chuck Norris doesn’t need sudo, he just types “Chuck Norris” before his commands.
  51. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.
  52. Chuck Norris doesn’t need version controlling because all his source files are prohibited to have revision number greater than 1.
  53. Chuck Norris doesn’t practice agile programming because his programs won’t ever need to be changed. They are perfect.
  54. Chuck Norris doesn’t program with a keyboard, he stares the computer down until it does what he wants.
  55. Chuck Norris doesn’t use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.
  56. Chuck Norris doesn’t use GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.
  57. Chuck Norris doesn’t use Oracle, he is the Oracle.
  58. Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
  59. Chuck Norris don’t need passwords to access your system; he simply types * and the system gives him access.
  60. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
  61. Chuck Norris has the shortest scrum meetings in the world.
  62. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of PI.
  63. Chuck Norris knows the value of NULL.
  64. Chuck Norris never has a Backlog. It flees in terror when he starts telling Stories.
  65. Chuck Norris’ decision trees consist of only one decision.
  66. Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.
  67. Chuck Norris programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not executing.
  68. Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.
  69. Chuck Norris runs Windows 7 on his etch-a-sketch.
  70. Chuck Norris types with one finger: he points at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.
  71. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
  72. Chuck Norris’ hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.
  73. Instead of writing the assigned “Hello World” program in CSC 110, Chuck Norris rewrote the Google search engine algorithm from scratch.
  74. It is not necessary to isolate Chuck Norris during a Sprint. No-one can keep up with him anyway.
  75. MySpace actually isn’t your space, it’s Chuck’s (he just lets you use it).
  76. Product Owners never ask Chuck Norris for more features. They ask for mercy.
  77. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…ever.
  78. Stand-up meetings never work for Chuck Norris. Would you like to stand up to him?
  79. The class object inherits from Chuck Norris.
  80. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
  81. The programs that Chuck Norris writes don’t have version numbers because he only needs to write them once.
  82. There are no user interfaces that are not user friendly to chuck norris. He just stares at them till he gets what he wants.
  83. There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris’ keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.
  84. There is only one person standing in a Chuck Norris scrum meeting.
  85. To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.
  86. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message “Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?”.
  87. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.